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thethinwithin

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Newbie - Kinda ?!?! Sorry 4 the Rant!! [Dec. 7th, 2004|04:33 pm]
thethinwithin
[mood |fat]
[music |Eminem - Ass Like That]

Hey People!

I dunno if y'all remember me, because i was here for a while, but then i gave up and decided that "hey, there's nothing wrong with being fat, and it's better to be fat than to be unhealthy and unhappy and hurting people, right?" ....... WRONG! Only a delusional fat person could come up with that kind of shitty logic, because, i'm happiest and healthiest when i'm THIN. Nothing makes me feel better than knowing that i haven't eaten or that light-headed sensation i get from exercising too much without food.

Now, once again i have the problems that i had before, concealing my actions has always been difficult, not to mention the fact that i am a fat cow with a complete inability to have self-control which inevitably leads to fasting, which only makes my binge even worse and then of course....the purge, which has become increasingly more difficult to do since my mother found out.

So, here i am again, back to square one, after reaching my HW of 140 again. I am unsure of my CW, as i've been too scared to step on the scales for fear of what it will say, until i restrict enough to feel comfortable about how much it tells me i still have to lose.

Stay strong girlies!
Well, i'll update soon, and wish me thin!
Nay xXx
<3
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(no subject) [May. 7th, 2004|04:55 pm]
thethinwithin
Hey, i know i haven't posted in a long time, and i HATE it when people do what i'm doing and post completely unrelated subjects, but i really just need to talk to someone. It's
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I'm So Upset I Want To Cry - I Wonder How Much Tears Weigh? [Apr. 21st, 2004|04:53 pm]
thethinwithin
[mood |crusheddevastated]
[music |Maroon 5 - Secret]

How the fuck can you say things like that to a person that has been diagnosed as 'mentally unstable'. I had to go to see my shrink and you know what she fucking said to me? She had the audacity, the sheer cheek to say to me "It doesn't exactly look like you're wasting away" - cue her derigative (right word, spelling?) look/sneer. I could not actually believe my ears. Let me explain briefly - my mother wanted to talk about my 'ED' and so she brought it up after my session, talking about catching me hiding food, etc, and so my fucking doctor says that! I'm so upset; it really actually hurt me. I mean, shit - i'm trying SO hard to lose this weight - its not like i enjoy being fat, and yet she can be so uncaring, knowing that i have major issues with body image/food/weight/and so on.

Anyhow, i haven't posted here for a long time because i've been too ashamed to come on and talk about how much weight i've PUT ON, but here's my stats:

1. Current Height: 5'3
2. Current Weight: 130
3. Current BMI: 20-something (*Normal*)
4. Lowest weight at current height: 118
5. Highest weight at current height: 140
6. Pants size: 12-14 (UK)
7. Top size: 10-12
8. Have you ever been diagnosed with an eating disorder? Not clinically
9. How often do you weigh yourself? every single day, several times a day, heck, an hour
10. Have you cried after weighing yourself/trying on clothes? Yes
11. If you could change any body part(s), what would you choose? I'd change it all
12. What body type do you have: the Fat type? oh, wait, i guess you mean like hourglass, pear, etc?! Well then, Pear (Weight deposits around lower half - and stomach)
13. How happy would you say you are with your body as it is right at this moment? Not
14. Have you been made fun of because of your weight? Actually, No
15. Did it contribute to how you feel about yourself now? -------
16. Does it take you a long time to find something that looks halfway decent on you? That would be to assume i DO find something...
17. If you could snap your fingers and make yourself any weight, what number would you choose? 108, or maybe 99
18. What celebrity, in your opinion, has the perfect body? Angelina Jolie or Kate Moss (so Beautiful)
19. Other than physical appearance, how do you feel about yourself? Pretty shitty
20. Do you think you'd be happier about yourself if you were comfortable with your weight? I Know

<3 xXx Nat xXx <3
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It's Been A While..... [Mar. 5th, 2004|11:35 am]
thethinwithin
[mood |contemplativecontemplative]
[music |Ok Go - Get Over It]

WHOLE Load of shit going in on my life that i don't wanna bore you with, so i'll just skim through the relevant part of it. Me not eating, hiding food, clothes, tissue, etc. Caught. Parents. Talked to my shrink. Watching me like a hawk. I felt guilty. Gave all this up for a while. Went from my all time low of 118 back up to 127-8. Well i'm sick of being 'better' now. I guess i'll just have to improve my methods of deception. Anyways, i'm not gonna get into all that crap cos i'll get all down and upset (more-so than i already am).

I have SO much on my mind right now its not even funny. But mainly it's just one thing - well one Person. I always thought that girls who constantly aspired to modify themselves for a guy were naive and stupid, yet subconciously, i have somehow become one of them. His name is Justin. He's a few years older than me, and i fancy the fuck outta him. I was on the phone to him the other day and he said something that Totally Triggered me. He was saying something about the girls that he'd been out with and how they had to be "Perfect. Supermodel Perfect." This small sentence reinforced all those feelings that i'd had when i was restricting and manically exercising. The idea of being perfect - nothing else is good enough. And now, if i need that little push to get up and exercise, or to Not eat that bowl of cereal/bar of chocolate/etc, i picture him, with the perfect me and i can motivate myself. I have no idea when i became so pathetic. I mean, don't get me wrong, in many aspects my 'eating habits' have nothing to do with him, because with or without him i still wouldn't have been able to sit there and watch myself keep gaining because i was eating 'normally', but DAMN. I hate feeling that he has this control over the way i think, feel, act. Blah - enough Justin!

I guess i should post my stats:

Height: 5'3
HW: 140
CW: 122.8
LW: 118.0

I don't have any defined goals, as i don't want to be a certain weight at the moment. I just want to be less.
I've been reading a few of the back-entries, and i noticed a few posts about how this is a place for FAT anorexia sufferers, etc. I was considering a lot of the points made, and i'm kind of in two minds about it. On the one hand, i can see where a lot of you are coming from, because i know i could never understand what it's like to weigh 200+ pounds, and it must piss you off when people invade this place complaining about their double-digit weight. On the other hand however, most if not all of us are here because we have the same dilemma - we FEEL and percieve ourselves as overweight, no matter what the scales say. Fair enough, some of us are Physically/Clinically overweight, but Anorexia is as much a Mental disorder as it is physical if not more.

I'm kind of in the middle, because i'm fatter than most of the people in the other 'pro-ana' communities, which makes me feel like a failure, but then i come here and i don't really seem to fit in either. Anywho, thats just my view on the subject, so ...............yeah!

Quite proud of myself - went on my dance machine this morning and did not come off until i had burnt 1000 calories! it took me ages (72 songs) and my legs hurt like hell, but its a good pain, the feeling of success and accomplishment. I still have a long way to go, but i'm getting there.....

***Oh, i was just thinking about it, and i've decided that it would be pretty awesome to get down to 112 for my birthday (March 25th). It'll be a lot of hard work (10lb in 20days), but i'll try, and see how i do!

Wish me luck!
xXxThe~-THIN-~WithinxXx
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Angelina Jolie Rocks HARD! [Jan. 28th, 2004|04:55 pm]
thethinwithin




Which Angie are you?

quiz by acidflowers
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(no subject) [Jan. 26th, 2004|11:22 pm]
thethinwithin
[mood |determined]
[music |Sex and the City (music, program, same thing!)]

FUCK!

Fuck fuck fuck-faced fuckitty fuck shit cunt bitch, aaarrrgggghhhh!!

Jees, i am so sorry, i just HATE my freaking family!

Don't they understand that i physically CAN NOT spend one more day being this fat!

Its got to the point where i have to put food in my clothes to hide that i'm not eating. At two different points today i have had some form of bread down my trousers. Yesterday i had smarties in my KINCKERS!

I cannot take much more of this.

And i seem to have finally mastered purging effectively, except it's so loud! And if my mother found out it would be ALL OVER. I'd be back at 140 by force-feeding before you could blink! And i'd run the taps, but the toilet and bath are in seperate rooms! Grr!

Well, i stepped on the scale today (having not eaten) and weighed in at 8st 8! 120! I haven't done any exercise for the past two days, but all i had yesterday was a homemade milkshake (and i purged some of it) and today i had Oxtail Soup (150cals, 2g fat). Not bad! Tomorrow morning i'll have about and hour to exercise before my dad arrives so hopefully i can workout. The good thing about being at home with my dad though, is that he's so unobservant, that he doesn't notice that my food actually goes into my pocket as opposed to my stomach.

The good thing about not eating means that i don't have to take those stupid laxatives. I get horrific cramps and feel like shit after. At least i don't feel full though. The only problem is that i have to take tablets. And i think that my mother was suspicious cos she started telling me about how taking tablets with no food can give you a stomach ulcer.

Does anyone know if this is tru? I'm taking Sertraline (SSRIs - Anti- Depressants), Painkillers (Ibuprofen) and Antibiotics (Amoxycillin).

Anyhow, i'm off to create my logo for LJ, so see ya!

The THIN Within
xXx xXx

"I will be thin, i will be thin, I WILL BE THIN!"
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Oh....forgot to mention... [Jan. 23rd, 2004|09:26 pm]
thethinwithin
[mood |thin]

My hard work is paying off! After shooting up to 125 again (shameful), i'm losing again, weighing in today (in the afternoon) at 121.8! Yay!

I'm gonna be

thin...

thinner......


thinnest.........
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Not Too Bad.......... [Jan. 23rd, 2004|08:27 pm]
thethinwithin
[mood |complacentcomplacent]
[music |Alanis Morrissette - Thank You]

Didn't eat a thing All Day til my mother returned from work at half-five, and then i only had a crispbread (15cal, 0.2g fat) cos i knew i'd have to have dinner later. At about half seven (i went in the bath in between to distract myself and to have an excuse for not eating) i had dinner which was:

Chicken and Pasta Soup - 214 calories, 2.8g fat
(+ 2 slices of toasted white bread 202 calories, 2g fat)

I'm a lil disappointed that i had the bread cos that was just unnecessary calories and what's even worse FAT. But all in all i think i did ok.

Was very lazy today - i really didn't want to do any exercise but i forced myself to drag the exercise bike in from the balcony (which in itself was strenuous!) and i did half an hour of solid riding. It felt good to sweat like a mofo and feel that burning in my legs!

Total cal intake - 431
Total fat intake - 5g
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(no subject) [Jan. 22nd, 2004|11:50 am]
thethinwithin
Anorexia Nervosa..you aften feel scared of gaining weight and food and weight have become an obsession.
Anorexia Nervosa..you often feel scared of gaining
weight and food and weight have become an
obsession.


Do u have an eating disorder?
brought to you by Quizilla
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(no subject) [Jan. 22nd, 2004|09:59 am]
thethinwithin
[mood |determined]
[music |Avril Lavinge - Naked]

Current Height: 5ft 3 (short ass)
Current Weight: 124lb (yuck)
Current BMI: 22
Lowest weight at current height: 120
Highest weight at current height: 140
STG Weight: 120 (again)
LTG Weight: 112 (but may become lower)
Pant size: UK12-14 (FAT COW)
Top size: UK 10-12

Have you ever been diagnosed with an eating disorder? Not clinically

How often do you weigh yourself? Whenever i can get on the scales without being caught. If i'm home alone then at least every hour

Have you cried after weighing yourself/trying on clothes? yup

The Perception

If you could change any body part(s), what would u change? assuming this doesn't include face:
stomach/waist
upper arms
hands (fat fingers)
butt
thighs
calves
feet
back

What body type do you have: short and fat, i.e. dumpy

How happy would you say you are with your body as it is right at this moment? uhh..not

Have you been made fun of because of your weight? by other people? no

Did it contribute to how you feel about yourself now? Nope, that's just me

Does it take you a long time to find something that looks halfway decent on you? that would imply that anything looks halfway decent on me....

If you could snap your fingers and make yourself any weight, what number would you choose? 108 would be nice

What celebrity, in your opinion, has the perfect body? umm... can't think @ the mo, but was watching The Simple Life the other day, and i have to agree with all the people that say that Paris Hilton is HOTT!

Other than physical appearance, how do you feel about yourself? pretty shitty at the moment

Do you think you'd be happier about yourself if you were comfortable with your weight? i'd be less depressed...

Choose: The "perfect" body or inner peace? "The perfect body. since they come hand in hand..." - I have to agree
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