|I Make Myself So Sick
||[Jan. 4th, 2004|12:15 am]
|||||Britney Spears - Toxic||]|
It was actually going pretty well, actually it was going REALLY well. I hadn't eaten all day and the only thing i had drunk was still mineral water....and it was 19:30! That is like a freaking RECORD for me! But of course this had to be the day that family were coming to visit and so my mother decided to cook chicken, rice, dumplings, lasagna AND apple crumble + ice cream. I have very little will power at the best of times, so you can imagine how long i held out for....all of five seconds. Before i knew it i'd devoured the small portion of lasagna that i asked for and was in the kitchen eating out of the dish (also ate a dumpling, but no chicken and rice - so that was good). Then there was dessert! Asked for a small portion of crumble and ice cream, which i ate, knowing that i should just stop eating there and then. But i didn't i asked for an even bigger portion and finished that. Soon i became so disgusted with myself as i imagined the hundreds of calories and god knows how many grams of FAT i had consumed. Like i need anymore fat, Jesus!
So i thought i'd try and purge. I've tried it three times before (although i didn't really know what i was doing except two fingers in my mouth) and failed. I failed again, although this time i was a lot closer then ever. The biggest problem is getting caught though. Because we live in a flat someone is bound to hear me - i was retching horrendously.
Trying not to eat is the hardest though. When you haven't eaten all day and someone comes in with fresh warm toast slathered in golden butter and strawberry jam, it is incredibly hard not to eat it. And then my mother starts making a fuss if she catches me not eating, or lying about what i've eaten. I've found a semi-solution though. If i just keep lots of tissue in my pockets then i can wrap the food in it and hide it in my pockets until i get a chance to bin it.
I've started smoking as well - very good appetite suppressor. Instead of eating, i simply go for a smoke. Only problem is not getting caught. My parents went totally INSANE when they thought i was smoking, but i managed to convince them that i wasn't. When i get back to school it will be a bit easier to smoke though, because when i'm in the house, even if i smoke out of the window, the smell still diffuses throughout the entire house!
Well, i'll write later,