|It's Been A While.....
||[Mar. 5th, 2004|11:35 am]
|||||Ok Go - Get Over It||]|
WHOLE Load of shit going in on my life that i don't wanna bore you with, so i'll just skim through the relevant part of it. Me not eating, hiding food, clothes, tissue, etc. Caught. Parents. Talked to my shrink. Watching me like a hawk. I felt guilty. Gave all this up for a while. Went from my all time low of 118 back up to 127-8. Well i'm sick of being 'better' now. I guess i'll just have to improve my methods of deception. Anyways, i'm not gonna get into all that crap cos i'll get all down and upset (more-so than i already am).
I have SO much on my mind right now its not even funny. But mainly it's just one thing - well one Person. I always thought that girls who constantly aspired to modify themselves for a guy were naive and stupid, yet subconciously, i have somehow become one of them. His name is Justin. He's a few years older than me, and i fancy the fuck outta him. I was on the phone to him the other day and he said something that Totally Triggered me. He was saying something about the girls that he'd been out with and how they had to be "Perfect. Supermodel Perfect." This small sentence reinforced all those feelings that i'd had when i was restricting and manically exercising. The idea of being perfect - nothing else is good enough. And now, if i need that little push to get up and exercise, or to Not eat that bowl of cereal/bar of chocolate/etc, i picture him, with the perfect me and i can motivate myself. I have no idea when i became so pathetic. I mean, don't get me wrong, in many aspects my 'eating habits' have nothing to do with him, because with or without him i still wouldn't have been able to sit there and watch myself keep gaining because i was eating 'normally', but DAMN. I hate feeling that he has this control over the way i think, feel, act. Blah - enough Justin!
I guess i should post my stats:
I don't have any defined goals, as i don't want to be a certain weight at the moment. I just want to be less.
I've been reading a few of the back-entries, and i noticed a few posts about how this is a place for FAT anorexia sufferers, etc. I was considering a lot of the points made, and i'm kind of in two minds about it. On the one hand, i can see where a lot of you are coming from, because i know i could never understand what it's like to weigh 200+ pounds, and it must piss you off when people invade this place complaining about their double-digit weight. On the other hand however, most if not all of us are here because we have the same dilemma - we FEEL and percieve ourselves as overweight, no matter what the scales say. Fair enough, some of us are Physically/Clinically overweight, but Anorexia is as much a Mental disorder as it is physical if not more.
I'm kind of in the middle, because i'm fatter than most of the people in the other 'pro-ana' communities, which makes me feel like a failure, but then i come here and i don't really seem to fit in either. Anywho, thats just my view on the subject, so ...............yeah!
Quite proud of myself - went on my dance machine this morning and did not come off until i had burnt 1000 calories! it took me ages (72 songs) and my legs hurt like hell, but its a good pain, the feeling of success and accomplishment. I still have a long way to go, but i'm getting there.....
***Oh, i was just thinking about it, and i've decided that it would be pretty awesome to get down to 112 for my birthday (March 25th). It'll be a lot of hard work (10lb in 20days), but i'll try, and see how i do!
Wish me luck!