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(no subject) [Jan. 10th, 2004|03:33 pm]
[mood |shitty]
[music |Third Eye Blind - Jumper]


I don't know what the heck is wrong with me - actually, but it's 2 long to list.

Why can i not stop eating?!?! I had my plan for yesterday all set -
Cigarette in the morning
Water when i got hnungry
Apple at lunch
Water when i got home
Salad and veg for dinner.

Here's how it ACTUALLY went:
No cigarette
Slice of sponge cake
1/2 Apple Turnover
Plate of home-made chicken chow mein

What a greedy bitch, huh?

I can't even blame that on my mother forcing me to eat - i'm just a weak-willed fat ELEPHANT!

So far today i've eaten a small bowl of Fruit n Fibre cereal with no milk. I have the perfect excuse not to eat dinner tonight, plus i'll be able to smoke so hopefully i'll start losing again.

Well, i'm signing out for now at a WHOPPING 8st 9! (121!!) *gasps* in horror. I don't think i can live being this fat for much longer.

The THIN Within

"Fat people don't deserve to eat"
*Hunger Hurts But Starving Works*
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OH Yeah! [Jan. 7th, 2004|05:00 pm]
Okidokes, stepped on the scale this morning - 121.8 not bad! But wait - it gets better! Came home from school (only ate one thing today - a caramel slice - i know i shouldn't have but from tomoro it's apples only, besides, i'm not eating dinner today.) Anyhow, came home from school and the scale weighed me at 120.0! Wow - this is the lowest i've been like ever! (obviously i weighed a lot less before i hit puberty but i wasn't bothered by scales then!) I am SOOOOOOO psyched about this. And this was before i exercised! I'm glad about that 2 because, since my mother has to work late on Weds, she doesn't came home till like half five which means i can do my Aerobics, have a shower and a cigarette all before she gets home, SWEET! I am so psyched! My short term goal is to get down to 112 (8st). I haven't set an exact date for it, but now that i've started losing - there's no stopping me. I'm getting a LOT better at resisting the temptation to eat, so i can only go up (well, down on the scales) from here!

Off to shower now and revise for history exam (plus i have to line my dressing gown pockets with tissue so that i can hide my dinner in them!)

Bye bye!
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Fat Fat Fat Fat Fat [Jan. 4th, 2004|12:28 am]
At this exact moment i weigh 8st 13.4lb, 125.4lb. Jesus, talk about massive! I've been doing good though, for the past week or so i've maintained weight at 8st something, which i haven't done for years. But this is just the beginning, i'm still like a freaking elephant! My target weight for the end of the month is 120. I know it's a long time for just five pounds, but i'm kind of stuck in a rut at the moment, so i wanna pace myself with my losing weight. I HATE being fat. It is the most depressing thing in the world. Combine that with suffering from "Clinical Depression", i might as well just try and kill myself (again). But it's okay, because i AM going to lose weight, if it's the last thing i do. It's been fantastic having people tell me i've lost weight - but they keep trying to tell me to eat a "good square meal". F*ck you! Trying to make me even fatter. I haven't exercise in SO long, but i start tomorrow. Plus i'm going back to school which will motivate me to do my Aerobics on Sky Sports at 6am.

Going to school also means it's a LOT easier to hide what i'm eating or as the case will be NOT eating. Nobody to check if i'm having lunch, and i can just make excuses at dinner, or put it in my pocket. Purging doesn't really work for me so i try not to get to the point where i have to, but sometimes i'm so disgusted with how much i eat, i have to at least TRY.

Until Next Time,
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I Make Myself So Sick [Jan. 4th, 2004|12:15 am]
[mood |sicksick]
[music |Britney Spears - Toxic]

It was actually going pretty well, actually it was going REALLY well. I hadn't eaten all day and the only thing i had drunk was still mineral water....and it was 19:30! That is like a freaking RECORD for me! But of course this had to be the day that family were coming to visit and so my mother decided to cook chicken, rice, dumplings, lasagna AND apple crumble + ice cream. I have very little will power at the best of times, so you can imagine how long i held out for....all of five seconds. Before i knew it i'd devoured the small portion of lasagna that i asked for and was in the kitchen eating out of the dish (also ate a dumpling, but no chicken and rice - so that was good). Then there was dessert! Asked for a small portion of crumble and ice cream, which i ate, knowing that i should just stop eating there and then. But i didn't i asked for an even bigger portion and finished that. Soon i became so disgusted with myself as i imagined the hundreds of calories and god knows how many grams of FAT i had consumed. Like i need anymore fat, Jesus!

So i thought i'd try and purge. I've tried it three times before (although i didn't really know what i was doing except two fingers in my mouth) and failed. I failed again, although this time i was a lot closer then ever. The biggest problem is getting caught though. Because we live in a flat someone is bound to hear me - i was retching horrendously.

Trying not to eat is the hardest though. When you haven't eaten all day and someone comes in with fresh warm toast slathered in golden butter and strawberry jam, it is incredibly hard not to eat it. And then my mother starts making a fuss if she catches me not eating, or lying about what i've eaten. I've found a semi-solution though. If i just keep lots of tissue in my pockets then i can wrap the food in it and hide it in my pockets until i get a chance to bin it.

I've started smoking as well - very good appetite suppressor. Instead of eating, i simply go for a smoke. Only problem is not getting caught. My parents went totally INSANE when they thought i was smoking, but i managed to convince them that i wasn't. When i get back to school it will be a bit easier to smoke though, because when i'm in the house, even if i smoke out of the window, the smell still diffuses throughout the entire house!

Well, i'll write later,
Fat F*ck
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